I Have Lots of Heart

  1. Today I am, I don’t know, I don’t know how,
  2. today I am here only to suffer,
  3. today I have no friends,
  4. today I have only the desire
  5. to rip my heart out by the roots
  6. and crush it under my shoe.
  7. Today that dry thorn is blossoming,
  8. today is a day of crying in my kingdom,
  9. today dejection unloads in my chest
  10. a dejected lead weight.
  11. I can’t handle my fate.
  12. And I look for death at my own hand,
  13. I look lovingly at razor blades,
  14. and I remember that friendly hatchet,
  15. and I think about the tallest steeples
  16. for taking a fatal jump, serenely.
  17. If it weren’t for ... I don’t know what,
  18. my heart would write one last note,
  19. a note I carry hidden there,
  20. I would make an inkwell of my heart,
  21. a fountain of syllables, goodbyes, and presents,
  22. and I’d say to the world, you stay here.
  23. I was born under a bad moon.
  24. My grief is that I have one grief
  25. which outweighs all the joy there is.
  26. A love affair has left me with my arms hung low
  27. and I can’t stretch them out any more.
  28. Don’t you see my disappointed mouth?
  29. How inconsolable my eyes are?
  30. The more I look inside myself, the more I mourn:
  31. Cut out this pain? With what shears?
  32. Yesterday, tomorrow, today,
  33. suffering for it all
  34. my heart is a sad fishbowl,
  35. a cage of dying nightingales.
  36. I have lots of heart.
  37. Today I dishearten myself.
  38. I have more heart than anybody,
  39. and for all that, I have more bitterness, too.
  40. I don’t know why, I don’t know why or how
  41. I let my life go on each day.